Kapitel 5 - Was bouncing around, woke up with strangers.

The title refers to something funny I found while reading through a three year old blog of mine.
It's really hard to even imagine what a totally different place I was in back then. It's so hard that my memory needs a whole lot of tweaking and kicking in that "special spot", for me to be able to put the pieces back together, and remember what was going on at that particular moment.

Almost every post is about me going out drinking or beeing hung over.
Me beeing depressed because I'm drunk or beeing frustrated because I'm sober.

A whole lot of women :/

At some point in my life I decided it'd be a good idea to let the walls around my feelings crumble and fall. I let my feelings run rampant. I gave my hormones total control of my thought patterns. I left them completely unchecked, unchallenged.
This in turn blessed me with a whole lot of infantile love, but also damned me to an existence filled with worry and doubt. And considering my lack of self-esteem it was mostly doubting myself.

I've almost never been with a girl I didn't love.

It's kind of educational though.
In almost every post read I see all these tendencies, all the little seeds about to grow into something hideous.
All these moments in life, meant to be taken as examples of how not to live.
I'll do my best to draw knowledge from this insight.

Reading through all of these old texts that I've written I feel like a fucking detective. Backtracking on the road that has lead me to this existence, devoid of all self value and respect.
It seems that even back then I had doubts about my drinking habits beeing up to no good.

The following text is quoted from an old blog post.
From a time where I was unrecognizably drunk at least six days a week;

"I'm once more falling asleep on this god forsaken sofa, trying to tell myself that tomorrow, everything will be OK.. Of course, I get to be a little hung over, but still. You always have to keep up appearances and pretend you're emotionally stable.. Fucking reality.

Once more I've tried telling myself that it'll help to hang with some friends and get yourself drunk of your ass. But hell, all alcohol brings is emotional lability and discontent.

I really don't know what to do."

But now I know... Just stay fucking sober, Danny.
Days like today it's a total nightmare though. When wherever I look I hear of people going out enjoying themselves and eachother. I could do with some enjoyment of others right now. ;D

How am I supposed to stand the company of people that I in most cases despise, without beeing drunk?
I can barely stand the company of myself, without beeing shitfaced, unable to discern all of the things that makes me feel uneasy.

It's odd how the memories of moments of emotional excitement or severe depression can come back to you, clear as day.
How you fumbled with yourself and the nervosity of your first sexual encounter, or the following lays for that matter. The soul consuming feelings of helplessness when a friend deserts you. How nothing in this cosmos can soothe the agony or stop the unrelenting attacks of tears when a loved one dies.

Feelings, I feel them again! In all of their unforgiving splendor!
They're feasting on my insides...

As you might've noticed I'm in a shitty mood today.
And if you're wondering why I'm writing in some kind of english all of a sudden, it's because I can, and felt like it.

Strawberry flavoured kisses,
-Danny